Better hate than love....

In a world where people strive for love, emotions, bonding, togetherness and run away from hatred, anger, jealousy, fights, I found myself hanging on in a middle road, being pulled by both sides with such equal strong forces that there was a moment when I felt that I would be split into two halves anytime soon.. I was more worried about satisfying both the ends rather than being bothered about what I want. But now that the decision has been taken I want to know how bleak are the chances that I might be actually not so happy in the world full of love and care and emotions and bonding and togetherness or would be happy in a place where I don't have to force myself to feel the way I don't feel which in turn could lead to hatred and anger and fights and being hurt? I hate such decision making processes and cross roads. Someone or the other definitely gets hurt by the time this whole thing ends. Which makes me unhappy, when the whole decision is being taken to be happy!!
Well the thing is, in the recent past I have lost a very dear friend of mine because of this whole damn decision making process! I don't think I have the courage to go up to that person to apologize for a lot of things. When ever I come across this friend, my heart skips several beats, turns around and hides its own face out of shame and guilt. I miss being around, chatting and talking to this person. I badly miss this friend. There were times when I so badly wanted to go and confront what ever I felt, say sorry, talk things out, and make the whole thing work again. But then this other voice in me never let me do that. It kept saying - 'It's better this friend hates you. This way the feeling of hatred would definitely surpass everything else and you would be the only one getting hurt. The pain would be reduced a lot from the other end, which is what is important because you can't see your friend in pain. It's better if its only you who gets hurt. I know you would be able to handle it.'
I am not a supernatural force to make right decisions all the time, but what ever I do, the intention is never bad at heart. Losing a friend is a pain that can kill you with it's ache. That's what is happening to me. Probably in this case it's better hate than love.....

PS: In case you read this blog (hoping chances are very less) - I just want you to know how sorry I am for whatever has happened and for not being there when I was needed the most..