On my shoulders, it came and sat...

hap·pi·ness 

 [hap-ee-nis] 

noun
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Technically, happiness is the state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

For me, happiness had always been the most sort after feeling in life. The more I ran after it, the more I planned it, the more it went further and further away from me. It wasn't something that I could capture in my fist forever and never let go. It wasn't tangible. But then I was only a human, wanting to be happy! Finally, I decided to let it go. To give happiness its space. I didn't plan. I took life on its face value. And then, out of nowhere, from a faraway distant land, I could see happiness flying towards me. It flew slowly and cautiously. It judged me with each and every flatter of its wings. What if I was pretending? What if I try to capture it and put it in a cage? What if I take away its freedom? It took happiness some time - all the time it needed - to gain trust in me again. And one fine day, it softly came and sat on my shoulders. Since then my world is beautiful and bright and blue and gay and filled with joy and happiness. 

It's the tiny little things that bring the broadest possible smile of my face. That let me fly. A good morning message every morning even before I have opened my eyes, being surrounded by friends, skype with parents, college life and evening coffee sessions and dinner time gossip and leg pulling, gossip and more gossip with sister, those three words, the countdowns and excitement that goes with it, song of the day and song of the week, late night phone calls, chocolate, learning to calculate tax, knowing that there is someone who would take care of you forever and a million other things.... 

Technically, I am in a state of being-out-of-the-world, emoting with intense joy. :D :D

Festival of Lights..

Tiny glittering white sparkles have filled my life with brightness, happiness, love and hope indicating that my hope for a bright future filled with love and happiness is just around the corner. Well, I am still hungover with Diwali celebrations. :)

This was my last Diwali as a student and I made sure that I take away as many beautiful memories as possible. More over this was my last Diwali away from home, so I made the most of it and enjoyed every second of the celebration. 

Calls and SMSes wishing 'Happy Diwali' filled my day. The excitement of wearing and managing a saree was at its peak. My room was spotless clean and looked so pretty. Fulfilled a long old wish with a ramp walk. Ate finger licking yummy food which made my blouse tight. Guys flooded the girls hostel making it lively and fun. A pretty Ganesh now stands tall on my study table. In all, I celebrated my favorite festival in a really beautiful way.. :) :) 

Happy Belated Diwali all.. :)

25!

25!
1/4th century!
Silver Jubilee!
Touched an important milestone in my life a few days back. And set the next one on the very same day.. :) :)
I couldn't have asked for a better birthday. I couldn't have thought of a better way to celebrate the past and the future on the very present. Surprises and wishes filled that day.. Handmade card, chocolates, Calvin & Hobbes, birthday bumps, home baked cake, a walk, lunch and dinner, and many many more gifts and beautiful moments made it the most memorable day of my life.
Delighted. On Cloud 9. :D :D
Yayy.. I am 25 years old!

The two things...

It’s been a long time since I have written.

I came back to college all prepared to battle bravely the toughest term of all. I was mentally prepared to boldly face the term that would change my life again, and turn it in a totally new direction. But in no time I was lost and fidgety. My mind went into a state of cluttered mess eventually. I had a zillion thoughts to be sorted and worked upon, before I could think straight. There were N number of sleepless nights and random musing all the time. Though the sleepless nights still continue and the musing almost never stops, I am in a much better state now. Atleast, I think so.

Today, I am excited about two major things which would/might change my life for ever. But along with excitement comes great nervousness (Disclaimer: very specific to my case).

I am excited about this ‘coming soon’ Bangalore trip. I have been dreaming about this trip since a long time now. Finally, I see it just around the corner. Just keeping my fingers crossed and dreaming more about it.

Secondly, I will be turning 25 soon. 25! Hmmm. Silver Jubilee. I am old. L But then i remember this ‘Theory of Aging’ someone told me about. Apparently, you turn prettier as you grow older. That makes me feel a little better. A little. Also, the more I think of this age, the more I feel that I will have be to much more responsible and mature soon. Wish I could go back to being a kid, tension free and bubbly. Hmmm. As usual, I am super excited about my birthday. But this one is going to be special. I would be celebrating it with my family. After 7 years. Yayy..

Logging off to study for a mid-term of the most interesting subject taught by the worst professor till date. Ciao..

How I missed my Train.... Part II

Well, if things have to screw up, no matter what you do, they are going to screw up...
It so happened that I didn't get a berth under VIP quota.. When the charts were prepared I was on WL1. Still, I was so determined to go home, that I thought I will catch the train and later beg the TT to give me some place to sit or maybe get my ticket upgraded or downgraded. My cab came on time and I reached Bandra station an hour before the scheduled departure. And as soon as I got down, my dad calls me and tells me that I am ticket-less! One hour for the train to depart and I was ticket-less!!! The thing was, since it was an e-ticket and not confirmed, it became invalid and I was ticket-less.. I hit the panic button again! Then dad told me that he has spoken to a few people and they will get me fresh tickets made and something will workout. And told me that I should go to some superintendent's office. So, I take my luggage and start walking towards the office when I get two more calls. And then was directed to Station Master's office. I somehow manage to reach there. The SM takes a look at me, and the first thing he does is gives me water to drink and calms me down. Then he explains me the whole thing that he has sent someone to get fresh tickets made, and I will be getting a berth from here to Vadodara and then from there a different berth to Jodhpur under VIP quota. And then someone gets my freshly booked tickets, I pay him the money, the SM makes a few calls and gives my PNR number to the central railway, I thank the SM and leave for platform no 3 where the train is waiting. On the way I make a few calls and thank all the people involved in changing my status form being ticket-less to 'two half tickets' and helping me reach home safely. And at 2.30pm I board the train, and finally start my journey home.
I reached home the next day in the morning. Again ate a lot and to the extent that my stomach started paining in the night..:D :D But what the heck, I am finally home and super happy.. :D

How I missed my TRAIN....

India me reh ke life me bollywood masala mafik story na ho, to sali life waste hai...
This journey back home is becoming some crazy experience I must say. Now I am laughing at it but the tension I went through was miserable - 'train milega, ki nahi milega....'. Finally ended up missing my train.. The story goes something like this -
Yesterday evening while I was in the cab to Panjim to catch my bus to Mumbai, I should have understood that my journey is going to be very interesting and full of excitement. The start was itself not so good with the terrible headache that I was going through. But these signs are too minute to be understood. It all started when the bus suddenly came to a halt at around 5ish in the morning. I thought that probably the driver is taking a tea break and slept off again. But surprisingly the bus didn't move for next one hour. And when it moved, it moved for some 5mins and again came to a halt. That's when Sneha woke up Hitesh and asked him to check whats going on. He also, like me took things lightly and slept off again. So Sneha, all determined, went to check what happened, went out. It was around 7am at that time. And then she comes back with the news that the bus is not going to reach Mumbai before 3pm. It was because of this terrible landslide and hence a traffic jam due to it. We freaked out. Went down to check. I could see this never ending line of buses and trucks. This other bus driver in front of our bus told us to take a lift from some small vehicle, because apparently smaller vehicles have enough space to go. By the time I could speak to Hitesh and Sneha, Hitesh was already speaking to this guy in the van. He and his family were going to Panvel. Reluctantly he agreed to give us a lift. So, we took our luggage and hitchhiked this guys van hoping that probably now we would be able to make it to our flights and trains. But within no time this guy turns around and starts moving in the opposite direction. I again freaked out. Was on call with my father, so couldn't freak him. After the call I got to know that apparently there is this other route which is less crowded and we were taking that route. But through that road we had to travel 90kms extra, and it was pathetically maintained and yes, there were traffic jams here also. It took us 5hours to cover around 200kms. Such a waste of time and energy! Anyways, while we were en route, others started canceling their flight ticket. I still had hopes. My dad was going crazy in background as well. He had already made a zillion calls to my Uncle and Sister in Mumbai. But the best part was, the train was on time!!! Indian trains are never ever on time, and this one time when I am running against time, the bloody train has to be on time! My Uncle had come to Panvel station to pick me up and drop me to Bandra station. But, the tragedy of life. When everything was going fine and I had full hopes of making it to the train and have the most dramatic train catching experience of my life, we reached a traffic jam. Yes, a traffic jam!! By the time we got out of that one, the road condition deteriorated and unlce started driving slower and slower. And then the second traffic jam. It took us more than one hour to cover the last 25kms.. It was 12.45 by the time I reached Panvel station, and my train was supposed to leave Bandra fat 1.30pm. And it takes a minimum of 1 hours 45mins to reach Bandra from Panvel. Thus, I missed my train. :(
So, having left with no option I go to my Uncle's place. Finally get a chance to brush and take bath around 2pm. And then I hog like anything, because 1) Its home food 2) I was starving 3) Finally I get to eat some home food.. :D Then from there my sister got me to her place. I was full upset and tired with the journey. All I wanted to do was go home, and I was stuck in Mumbai. I am still in Mumbai.
Don't have many options now. Flight tickets costs 13,000bucks and I am not paying that much to go home, come what may. Dad has booked another ticket in tomorrow's train. He is trying to get me a seat through some VIP quota. (Badly badly hope this thing works out). Else might go to Jaipur through flight (but I like an idiot haven't got any photo-id proof with me. Got scoldings from dad for that as well. So, probably this option is also gone.). So, might go to Pune and spend my holidays there if nothing else works out. But I badly want to go home. So, please pray that I get my tickets confirmed tomorrow and reach home safely by day after.
Will post what happens tomorrow, later. Till then praying and wishing myself luck. Good night world.... 

Shakti.. Woman..

Today, I am compelled to write this blog.
The power in the hands of a woman and the magic or destruction it can create has just amazed me. I had been noticing this immense power through various situations and examples in and around me, but never actually realized how powerful and dangerous it can get, until today. It can definitely make or break a life, a family or even a country. Mom was right. No wonder she kept guiding me towards being a  woman who could bring life in a life and not someone who would destroy it all. All her super-natural stories make sense today. All her teachings and lectures are flashing in front of me now.
This whole realization of power being in my hands as well and me being the source of Shakti is scaring me now. It means that I have a huge responsibility in front of me in near future. Would I be able to turn a family happier and prettier than ever? Would I pass this real-time test of life? Would I be a source of construction and not destruction? That future will only tell. But I know who I am and what I can do, so probably I don't need to be scared.
Well, more than being amazed, scared and compelled to think on these lines, I am worried about a very dear friend of mine, who is stuck in the hands of destruction. And, at this point I am clueless or how to help him. I don't know what to do. My talking and explaining doesn't seem to help. I calm him down for a brief period of time and he seems to be happy, but the next time I see him, the same sadness, dullness, extreme pain would be in and all around him. He has lost so much of weight. Having known him for quite some time now, I have seen the time when a girl had made his life so beautiful that he was spreading happiness all around. Today, I see the exact opposite, in fact even worse.
I am worried and scared.. I wish and pray he comes back to his own-self soon.

I dream......

I am a dreamer. I dream. I dream dreams, be it attainable or unattainable. I dream with my eyes open and closed. I dream day in and out. I am a dreamer. I dream.

Dreams are a part of me. One moment I am flying on clouds and the other being stabbed by a three eyed doodle suddenly happen to come to life. One moment I am a fashion designer wearing my own creations and the other I am just an ordinary girl trying to live her life as it comes. One moment I am rich, famous and beautiful and the other I am pulling all strings to be accepted in a society.
My dream world though nameless, keeps changing depending on my mood. Today, I see butterflies everywhere. Beautiful. Colorful. Bubbly. They come and whisper in my ears. Probably they are indicating that my life is going to change soon. In a beautiful way. Probably my prince is just around. Probably they are just saying that you should be happy like you are today, you look beautiful. Probably I am dreaming way too much with my eyes open today. :) I guess I have too much time to spare.. :P

But I can't imagine myself void of dreams. They give me the strength to move forward. To do something in life. To stay happy. I am a dreamer. I dream.

Better hate than love....

In a world where people strive for love, emotions, bonding, togetherness and run away from hatred, anger, jealousy, fights, I found myself hanging on in a middle road, being pulled by both sides with such equal strong forces that there was a moment when I felt that I would be split into two halves anytime soon.. I was more worried about satisfying both the ends rather than being bothered about what I want. But now that the decision has been taken I want to know how bleak are the chances that I might be actually not so happy in the world full of love and care and emotions and bonding and togetherness or would be happy in a place where I don't have to force myself to feel the way I don't feel which in turn could lead to hatred and anger and fights and being hurt? I hate such decision making processes and cross roads. Someone or the other definitely gets hurt by the time this whole thing ends. Which makes me unhappy, when the whole decision is being taken to be happy!!
Well the thing is, in the recent past I have lost a very dear friend of mine because of this whole damn decision making process! I don't think I have the courage to go up to that person to apologize for a lot of things. When ever I come across this friend, my heart skips several beats, turns around and hides its own face out of shame and guilt. I miss being around, chatting and talking to this person. I badly miss this friend. There were times when I so badly wanted to go and confront what ever I felt, say sorry, talk things out, and make the whole thing work again. But then this other voice in me never let me do that. It kept saying - 'It's better this friend hates you. This way the feeling of hatred would definitely surpass everything else and you would be the only one getting hurt. The pain would be reduced a lot from the other end, which is what is important because you can't see your friend in pain. It's better if its only you who gets hurt. I know you would be able to handle it.'
I am not a supernatural force to make right decisions all the time, but what ever I do, the intention is never bad at heart. Losing a friend is a pain that can kill you with it's ache. That's what is happening to me. Probably in this case it's better hate than love.....

PS: In case you read this blog (hoping chances are very less) - I just want you to know how sorry I am for whatever has happened and for not being there when I was needed the most..

Drawing the line...

I had heard this saying somewhere a few months back - 'People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do'.


But it is always easier said than done. How do you let go off someone who was there in your life for some time - be it just for a reason or a season? For people like me it is hard and next to impossible. The emotional and caring me, gets on to me and refuses to listen to any philosophy or reasoning justifying this particular act. Many a times, I would be the first one who would go and apologize in case of any argument or would try and make up a conversation(even after I call myself an introvert) or come up with various ways of confronting the person involved and ask what went wrong. This definitely is not as easy as it sounds. Letting go off your ego is one big thing in us humans, and we generally don't sacrifice it for anyone or anything. But for me its opposite. It's always my friends and ego next.


Recently I have learnt a new thing though. I have learnt to 'Draw a line!'. It's when you realize that it is finally time to stop hurting yourself first than trying not to hurt others by not pulling away. If distance is what it takes to keep calm, so be it. If distance is what your friend wants, even after numerous tries, so be it. The more you run behind someone, the more desperate you sound and it is generally taken in a negative sense - like you can't survive without that someone when what you are actually trying to do is save the relationship. Let them go. If they are meant to be with you, they will come back no matter what. Else, they were never meant to be with you. (Another random piece philosophy shit I know, but I does work!) I did it with two very special friends in my life. One came back, and one never bothered to. I let the other one go, even though I still miss that friend. Probably the reason was fulfilled.

Decoding Boredom!

Its said - An empty mind is devil's workshop. I say - An empty mind kills you of boredom.

I think I desperately need a way out of boredom, a way to pass my time during those not so busy weeks which offers me with just 4 lectures. Slowly I am getting exhausted with all the options for timepass. Like the other day I decorated my room with some mirrors. Or like this weekend I finished the entire 3rd season of Gossip Girl.
Don't know what happened to my resolutions of going for a jog early morning (well, don't know whom I am kidding! Since when I started getting up early), or reading newspapers and magazines on a daily basis (a habit once gone is difficult to adopt again. But I have to let the excuses pass asap!!!), or doing things which I love doing the most like painting..
I think I am suffering from a syndrome called Starting Problem. This disease generally infects vehicles but like always I am an exception. I am still not sure if the classic remedy of tilting the vehicle will work on me, but I know that I definitely need to do something about it......

It used to be just yesterday.....

As I lay sleepless on my bed at 3am, I wonder on how time swifts by you without giving you any feel of motion. It used to be just yesterday when I was in 1st grade waiting for my dad to come back from office and teach me how to draw a butterfly. When I used to wear my mom's sarees folded half to fit my size and play Ghar Ghar with our neighbor's daughter. It used to be just yesterday when I used to feel jealous of my friend having a Aladin to cling on to her pencil and wanted the same thing. When I got the role of a Moon in my first and last play ever and forced my dad to buy me a beautiful white gown as a costume. It used to be just yesterday when I went up to the Principal to complain that no one in my class talks to me. When I used to play Stapoo on the roads with the kids in the colony. When I used to steal fruits from the trees in someone else's house. It used to be just yesterday when a guy proposed to me in 7th grade and I came back crying home, asking mom for her expert advice. When I had my first crush (after I got to know what exactly crush means) on this guy in class who seemed to be so cute. It seemed to be just yesterday when I was studying crazily for my boards wanting to prove something to the society. When I used to manage my time between school, tuition, evening games and studies, and competitive exams pressure. It used to be just yesterday that I was on 9th cloud, having gotten into AIT and dad buying me my very own mobile phone. When my graduation got over and I had 3 companies in hand to choose from. It used to be just yesterday when I joined Infosys and went to Mysore for training. When I got posted to Mangalore and made some awesome friends. It used to be just yesterday when I was jumping all around the office announcing - 'I am quitting the company!'. When I was giving my friends farewell dinner and promising them that I will come back to Mangalore soon. It used to be just yesterday when I was in this college called GIM (which looked nothing less than a construction site) all alone, registering for my MBA degree. It used to be just yesterday when I got my dream internship in an advertising agency and I was all excited about the first day.
Life is going to take an altogether different track soon. And I am welcoming it open hands and mind, and a mental preparedness that I am not that kid anymore who used to play Ghar Ghar with other kids in the neighborhood. Its time, and I know I would take the best path of all.

Water, Baby!!

Jodhpur is burning 48 freaking degree Celsius. Everything around you is hot - the tap water, sheets on the bed, drinking water, clothes you wear. I tend to open the refrigerator and stand in front of it, pretending to think but in real trying to take in some cool air, but soon I realize that the air coming out isn't cool enough. This place is loke God's Own Tandoor and I know anytime soon I am going to come out as a delicious Tandoori Human. I have realized that this is probably the best time of the year for a vacation in Rajasthan!!

The only respite from this burning heat is a pool filled with warm water and a jump in the pool two times a day. It gives a soothing feeling to my senses, it relaxes me, and it tickles my palms and feet, and makes me smile. The pool is massive, King Size. And no doubt I have fallen in love with it. I look forward to my next rendezvous all the time, and when I am on my date I soak in as much pleasure as I can in that limited time.

It's an altogether different world out there. There are people of all ages - dads, moms, kids, guys, uncles. Dads are teaching their kids how to swim, kids are having fun chatting and playing with their friends in that huge water body, teenagers are somersaulting, others are relaxing in the shallow and deep side, and a few serious swimmers like me are constantly on a move. I love watching the crowd at times. It takes me into my store of memories. Reminds me of the time when dad used to teach me how to swim, of the girl who taught me how not to be scared of water and swim underwater, of Anuj who used to swim furiously to and fro throwing half of the water outside the pool, of the time after my competitive exams were over when I was on a weight reduction drive, of the lifeguard who use to tie rope on my waist to teach me to float on water, and the national level swimmer in Mangalore who corrected my strokes.

For a few minutes each day, I lay flat on my back and float. I lay still. Ears in the water make me immune to worldly noise. I look at the sky above and think. Think about random things. Relax. Let myself go. Let myself free. Then I slowly open my arms to soak in all the happiness, the positive feeling, the love, and give out all the  negativity, anger, jealousy. Its like a connection between me and the universe. We are one for those few minutes. Its just beautiful what happens there in those few minutes. Magic I would say......

And finally I have my very own favorite sport. I love swimming.....

Summers....

In love with advertising agencies and the kind of work these people do. Only if they paid a little better. Only if I was not in desperate need of money to pay my debts and to prove to a few people who are never satisfied.

The movies like 'Turning 30' have captured into the reel life, the truest and the most glamorous part of the real life here. Its all about glamor, creativity, photo shoots, concerts, booze, affairs... Basically the so called 'cool' thing in the high society these days.
The experience I had in these past 8 weeks is one of the best I could get. Experiencing core marketing lit the little cute bulb in my brain which said to me - 'Ah! This is it.' Working under senior strategists taught me a lot about the industry and how it works. More than that, it was a fun work. It made me think. It made me apply. It made me live with my work. There was a time when I used to think on new ideas, strategies, concepts 24 hrs a day, which includes my dreams, eating time, sleeping time, bathroom time, and all the bloody time one could think of. And the funny part it, I enjoyed all of it. My work was fun to the extent that my friends who where interning at other companies kept giving me ideas and strategies, till weeks later. In short, they had also immersed themselves in my work. :)
But what made my experience even better, and a best summer ever, were the awesome people I met and became friends with. The laughters, the parties, the dance, the dinners and more laughters over those dinners, the poking, the mangoes, the M-I-L bitching, the late nights, the sneaking out, the rains, the leg pulling, and the embarrassing comments, and a zillion other tiny beautiful things which are trapped in my heart for ever.
All I know is, this is the best summers I could get. Best ever. Gonna miss all of it, much more all the people here......

The Journey called Life

My journey continues..

But what amazes me the most is how, even after you have quit knowing a person you used to know so closely and dearly, you somehow end up colliding with that now unknown on this journey. Even after all the memories have faded, even after the tears have dried up, even after there is nothing left to talk about, it's made sure that you don't forget the people who were in your life.
And then you get to know about the real truth. The truth that was intentionally hidden from you for all these years. *Sign* And all these years you are in darkness, which made you hate this unknown so much. And now, nothing much can be done. *Big Sign*

This is life i guess...

Bangalore Diaries...

Three weeks done the line, it just feels to be good at Bangalore ignoring a few glitches here and there. Finally there is a lot of peace within. All the negative feelings just seem to have faded away. This summer is all about staying cool in a cool city with all cool thoughts and a cooler state of mind..

This summer its all about Supriya. Its about spending time with her, listening to her stories, laugh with her, chatting with her, take care of her. Its about celebrating her birthday after 7 years. Its about sisterly bonding and shopping and loads of fun.

This summer is all about working at percept. It's about testing my ability and to what extreme I can go to get my work done. Its about working late nights and on weekends to get the work done before deadline. Its about a work culture shift from Infosys with more than a lakh employees to Percept/H with not more than 20 employees. Its about the making new friends at work. Its about believing in myself.

This summer its about a lot of other things. Its about missing friends who are not in Bangalore. Its about meeting a school mate after a decade years. Its about suddenly coming across an old acquaintance out of no where on the street while doing market research. Its about cousins. Its about finally starting to write again after a long break. Its about branding. Its about MG Road, Indira Nagar, Brigade Road, Commercial Street, Garuda mall etc where I am spending all my money.

In short this summer is all about a new experience, and a whole set unexplored explored fun....